You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The uberlube is also flammable
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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