Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
