Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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