How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
