Only a mothe r could love this liver
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
