i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
