Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
