i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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