allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
