i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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