I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
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