I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
why is half of my head shaved?
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