wrigley field is MILF paradise
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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