I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
