...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
