Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
