Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
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