Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
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