I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
