where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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