My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Girls should come with a carfax report
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
