Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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