i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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