This is not my ceiling
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
