I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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