i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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