i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Randomize
