oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
The ass gains better be worth it
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
