Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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