just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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