I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize