I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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