If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
