my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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