apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize