when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
