girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
