She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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