I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
