I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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