can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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