Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
