Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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