and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
