the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
