He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize