dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
