i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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