if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
