I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
