He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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