the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
